First, regarding the "sinful," bad, inappropriate behavior: we'll get there. Just be patient. We'll get there.
Second, it's important to ask the question, "What is driving my child's behavior?" How often do we actually stop to ask ourselves that question when our kids are throwing temper tantrums or are disobeying? I know I rarely do it, although I'm now working hard on trying to do it more often. Often times, by asking ourselves that question and taking a look at the situation will give us the answer.
If Johnny is upset because you said no to giving him a popsicle and he gets angry and throws a temper tantrum, IT'S NOT ABOUT THE POPSICLE!!!
Perfect example (and anyone with two or more kids can certainly relate to this). Let's say mom gives birth to a second baby. When mom comes home with the new baby, suddenly, little Johnny or Susie, who has been the only child in the house so far, starts acting up, throwing temper tantrums, is extremely impatient, disobeys, and so forth.
Stop.
What could be driving the child's behavior? Is he just a spoiled little brat that needs to be disciplined more? Does she need to be spanked more so that she knows it's not okay to disobey mom and dad? Does he need to be sent to his room until he can calm down?
What could another possibility be? How about Johnny has been the only child in the house for the last two years. Suddenly, there's a new person in the house who demands the majority of mom and dad's time and attention. Johnny, who is only 2 at this point, can't make total sense of what's going on, nor can he articulate his thoughts and feelings. Johnny is STRESSED OUT. Do mom and dad still love me? When will they spend time with me? Johnny doesn't know how to articulate these questions and anxieties that are going on inside him. Mom and dad are stressed out beyond sanity. Why is it any different for Johnny?
Do you see by taking the time to stop, take a deep breath, and putting oneself in the child's shoes things start to make so much more sense? Why wouldn't Johnny start acting out if he's stressed out and he's not getting the love, care, and attention he NEEDS from mom and dad?
When Max was born, Phoebe did this very thing. She also developed a habit of hitting us when she got frustrated over something. We tried disciplining her in various fashions and telling her that it is NOT okay to hit ANYONE. Finally, someone very dear to us suggested that she's probably feeling neglected, unimportant, uncared for, and unloved because so much of our attention was on Max. It was suggested to us that when Phoebe would hit us when she was mad, to take that as a cue that she probably needs us to spend time with her and show her love and affection. So we did. Instead of getting mad at her for hitting us, we stopped, hugged her, kissed her, told her that we loved her, and spent time with her.
And would you know that in a matter of two or three days, she COMPLETELY STOPPED HITTING and we have not dealt with any kind of hitting issue to this day!! Isn't that amazing!
I have been realizing more and more that I have been failing to properly love Sarah and Phoebe and Max by overlooking very clear commandments by God to love one another properly. What does that involve? Being kind, gentle, UNDERSTANDING, gracious, EMPATHIC, loving, merciful, forgiving, patient, etc etc etc. I have been challenged to look at my child's bad behavior differently as of late. Yes, my child is innately sinful, but that doesn't mean that all my child's bad behavior is pure, malicious, willful defiance - even when it seems like it! So much more is going on. I think I fail so much to extend the care and understanding I would want for myself to my wife and to my own kids.
Any more questions, let me know. I'd be glad to explain further.
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