Beyond Consequences

If you have been on facebook recently or have talked to me recently, some of you may be aware that I went to a training conference to become a Beyond Consequences Certified Instructor. The Beyond Consequences paradigm for discipline, especially with children with severe behavioral problems, is a revolutionary, counter-intuitive, love-based approach that goes beyond consequences and control in its approach to discipline. This paradigm asks the question, "what is driving my child's behavior?", rather than asking how the behavior can be stopped.

Some might call it a new paradigm, but it is really an old paradigm that we have been called to from the very beginning: love your neighbor as yourself. So often, children are disciplined through the use of fear of the consequences or the very subtle threat of the loss of the relationship with mom and dad (external motivation), rather than making responsible choices out of love and for the good of the relationship between parent and child (internal motivation).

What do parents normally do when kids begin to act out or become disobedient? Well, since its the sin nature's ugly head showing its face, that sin nature needs to be driven out of them. "Johnny, you do not talk to me that way!" "Do you want to get spanked?" "If you don't stop that right now...!" But what if there's a different way? A way of love, kindness, gentleness, understanding, graciousness, and patience?

Example. Yesterday morning, I was on the computer surfin' around. I had been on it for quite a while, and Phoebe was in the living room with me. She eventually came to me asking for food. I kept on brushing her off for about 5 minutes saying that I would get her food in a little bit. Eventually, she got frustrated and hit me on the leg, started hitting the computer, and eventually slammed the laptop shut. Good for her! She's hungry! She wants food and I wasn't listening! I was being lazy and not caring for her needs and was more focused on my own selfish desire to play on the computer. Sadly, many would see her as acting out, getting impatient, or not being obedient, and possibly would have been spanked or yelled at for what she did.

She can eventually learn how to express herself more appropriately. But in the moment, who is more at fault? Me or Phoebe? It's ME of course! I wasn't caring for my daughter. I wasn't listening to her. I was not paying attention and caring for her needs. I wasn't LOVING her. I quickly apologized and thanked Phoebe for letting me know that I needed to listen to her. She asked politely for a long time, and I still wouldn't listen to her. If someone did that to me, I would be WAY pissed off.

Anyway, check out the above book. It's excellent. You can even check out the website for Beyond Consequences at beyondconsequences.com.