Good quote about children

"One of the most important needs [children have] is the need to be
[and feel] significant. [When your child feels insignificant,
unimportant, unlovable, or not all right, then misbehavior] is the
quickest way to find significance."

- Heather T. Forbes, LCSW

Sent from my iPod

Photo of the Week #5

Electricity Meters, originally uploaded by King Bulvi.

Photo of the Week #4

Telephone Pole Up Close, originally uploaded by King Bulvi.

This is a telephone pole outside our apartment. I took this photo on the way to the dumpster, so it is saturated with classiness and hoity-toity-ness.

Trojan Odyssey

I just finished reading Clive Cussler's novel, "The Trojan Odyssey."
The first half was fairly slow and a bit insipid at times, however the
second half improved significantly and became quite entertaining.

Would I recommend it to you? Probably not, unless you just want to veg
out or you're a Clive Cussler fan.

Sent from my iPod

Photo of the Week #3

I've been very busy this week with working and all, so I didn't have many opportunities to do much photography. However, currently I am more concerned about consistency. The more I photography, the better I will get. I hope to turn the mundane into something fascinating. If I can make a simple ring holder even remotely interesting, then I am heading in the right direction. These four rings are my wife's. They are small, but colorful pieces of jewelry that remind me of the many small, but beautiful aspects of Sarah that I love so dearly.

Follow-up Comments on Beyond Consequences

I was rushing out the door when I wrote the previous post earlier this morning, and I think I may need to make a few follow-up comments to clarify the message I was trying to convey. Some of you may have been wondering, "so you just let the kid do whatever they want? Are there no consequences for their bad behavior? If they don't experience consequences for their bad behavior, they will just end up learning that it's okay to do that and a whole lot more!" Let me explain.

First, regarding the "sinful," bad, inappropriate behavior: we'll get there. Just be patient. We'll get there.

Second, it's important to ask the question, "What is driving my child's behavior?" How often do we actually stop to ask ourselves that question when our kids are throwing temper tantrums or are disobeying? I know I rarely do it, although I'm now working hard on trying to do it more often. Often times, by asking ourselves that question and taking a look at the situation will give us the answer.

If Johnny is upset because you said no to giving him a popsicle and he gets angry and throws a temper tantrum, IT'S NOT ABOUT THE POPSICLE!!!

Perfect example (and anyone with two or more kids can certainly relate to this). Let's say mom gives birth to a second baby. When mom comes home with the new baby, suddenly, little Johnny or Susie, who has been the only child in the house so far, starts acting up, throwing temper tantrums, is extremely impatient, disobeys, and so forth.

Stop.

What could be driving the child's behavior? Is he just a spoiled little brat that needs to be disciplined more? Does she need to be spanked more so that she knows it's not okay to disobey mom and dad? Does he need to be sent to his room until he can calm down?

What could another possibility be? How about Johnny has been the only child in the house for the last two years. Suddenly, there's a new person in the house who demands the majority of mom and dad's time and attention. Johnny, who is only 2 at this point, can't make total sense of what's going on, nor can he articulate his thoughts and feelings. Johnny is STRESSED OUT. Do mom and dad still love me? When will they spend time with me? Johnny doesn't know how to articulate these questions and anxieties that are going on inside him. Mom and dad are stressed out beyond sanity. Why is it any different for Johnny?

Do you see by taking the time to stop, take a deep breath, and putting oneself in the child's shoes things start to make so much more sense? Why wouldn't Johnny start acting out if he's stressed out and he's not getting the love, care, and attention he NEEDS from mom and dad?

When Max was born, Phoebe did this very thing. She also developed a habit of hitting us when she got frustrated over something. We tried disciplining her in various fashions and telling her that it is NOT okay to hit ANYONE. Finally, someone very dear to us suggested that she's probably feeling neglected, unimportant, uncared for, and unloved because so much of our attention was on Max. It was suggested to us that when Phoebe would hit us when she was mad, to take that as a cue that she probably needs us to spend time with her and show her love and affection. So we did. Instead of getting mad at her for hitting us, we stopped, hugged her, kissed her, told her that we loved her, and spent time with her.

And would you know that in a matter of two or three days, she COMPLETELY STOPPED HITTING and we have not dealt with any kind of hitting issue to this day!! Isn't that amazing!

I have been realizing more and more that I have been failing to properly love Sarah and Phoebe and Max by overlooking very clear commandments by God to love one another properly. What does that involve? Being kind, gentle, UNDERSTANDING, gracious, EMPATHIC, loving, merciful, forgiving, patient, etc etc etc. I have been challenged to look at my child's bad behavior differently as of late. Yes, my child is innately sinful, but that doesn't mean that all my child's bad behavior is pure, malicious, willful defiance - even when it seems like it! So much more is going on. I think I fail so much to extend the care and understanding I would want for myself to my wife and to my own kids.

Any more questions, let me know. I'd be glad to explain further.

Beyond Consequences

If you have been on facebook recently or have talked to me recently, some of you may be aware that I went to a training conference to become a Beyond Consequences Certified Instructor. The Beyond Consequences paradigm for discipline, especially with children with severe behavioral problems, is a revolutionary, counter-intuitive, love-based approach that goes beyond consequences and control in its approach to discipline. This paradigm asks the question, "what is driving my child's behavior?", rather than asking how the behavior can be stopped.

Some might call it a new paradigm, but it is really an old paradigm that we have been called to from the very beginning: love your neighbor as yourself. So often, children are disciplined through the use of fear of the consequences or the very subtle threat of the loss of the relationship with mom and dad (external motivation), rather than making responsible choices out of love and for the good of the relationship between parent and child (internal motivation).

What do parents normally do when kids begin to act out or become disobedient? Well, since its the sin nature's ugly head showing its face, that sin nature needs to be driven out of them. "Johnny, you do not talk to me that way!" "Do you want to get spanked?" "If you don't stop that right now...!" But what if there's a different way? A way of love, kindness, gentleness, understanding, graciousness, and patience?

Example. Yesterday morning, I was on the computer surfin' around. I had been on it for quite a while, and Phoebe was in the living room with me. She eventually came to me asking for food. I kept on brushing her off for about 5 minutes saying that I would get her food in a little bit. Eventually, she got frustrated and hit me on the leg, started hitting the computer, and eventually slammed the laptop shut. Good for her! She's hungry! She wants food and I wasn't listening! I was being lazy and not caring for her needs and was more focused on my own selfish desire to play on the computer. Sadly, many would see her as acting out, getting impatient, or not being obedient, and possibly would have been spanked or yelled at for what she did.

She can eventually learn how to express herself more appropriately. But in the moment, who is more at fault? Me or Phoebe? It's ME of course! I wasn't caring for my daughter. I wasn't listening to her. I was not paying attention and caring for her needs. I wasn't LOVING her. I quickly apologized and thanked Phoebe for letting me know that I needed to listen to her. She asked politely for a long time, and I still wouldn't listen to her. If someone did that to me, I would be WAY pissed off.

Anyway, check out the above book. It's excellent. You can even check out the website for Beyond Consequences at beyondconsequences.com.

The Hobbit

Well, as I promised, I said I would be updating this blog more. I also said that I intended to read more this summer. The first book I have completed is J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobbit, which is one of my all time favorite books. I picked this copy up used at the Savers thrift store for about two bucks a couple weeks ago, and I just finished it this morning. Ahh, it was a wonderfully entertaining read!

Photo of the Week #2

Although Los Angeles can be an urban jungle, it is not lacking in pockets of beauty if you just stop to take a look around. This photo is from a hillside on Biola's campus.

Photo of the Week #1

How can I not start my first photo of the week without a photo of the three most precious and important people in my life: my wife, Sarah, my daughter Phoebe, and my son, Max.

Summer Plans

I am determined to make regular appearances on this blog, at least for the summer. I know I have made empty promises in the past, saying things like "I'm going to write my gratitude journal online...", "I'm going to include reflections from my devotions...", "I'm going to blah blah blah...." Well, that's all about to come to an end! Don't believe me? You have every right to. Regardless, here are some of my plans for the summer and how I will be spending some of my time.

1. I plan on reading several books. I have several specific books in mind, and I hope to read more on top of them. I hope to provide a paragraph or two reflection of the book on this blog once I've finished reading it as well. I am currently reading several books (haha), including J.R. Tolkien's The Hobbit, Don't Make Me Count To Three by Ginger Plowman, and The Trojan Odyssey by Clive Cussler. I also hope to read three books by Dallas Willard (The Divine Conspiracy, The Great Omission, and Hearing God) and three books by Dan Allender (The Healing Path, Leading With a Limp, and Breaking the Idols of Your Heart).

2. I hope to post a "Photo of the Week" on this blog with the purpose of a) providing you possibly non-existent blog readers with snapshots of my life and what I find interesting, and b) to encourage me to expand my photography hobby and begin to make it more public.

3. Finally, and this may not be reflected on this blog, but I hope to play sports, exercise, and go camping as much as possible. Nothing exhilarates me more than playing sports and camping. The exercise would be for losing weight and warding off injuries.

More to come later.

The Leviathan